Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2007 19:34:26 GMT -5
YIDDISH HUMOR
Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.
"Who was it!!!
" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"
"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein."
"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"
"No, not him."
"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"
"No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..."
Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"
_________________________________________
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"
___________________________________________
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, c ompletely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . . he gave me a longer cane."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament. "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus,the Jaguar and my business.
To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht an d $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to cool off.
Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologize.
"Hello, darling," he said, "what are you making for dinner?"
"What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner?? Poison, that's what I'm making, poison."
Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm not coming home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney.
; "Sidney , you've been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I'm going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes."
"I can't do that, darling," Sidneysaid. "You're a size 16 and she's only a
10."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper
Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.
"Who was it!!!
" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?""No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein."
"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"
"No, not him."
"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"
"No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..."
Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"
_________________________________________
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?"
___________________________________________
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, c ompletely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . . he gave me a longer cane."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament. "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus,the Jaguar and my business.
To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht an d $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to cool off.
Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologize.
"Hello, darling," he said, "what are you making for dinner?"
"What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner?? Poison, that's what I'm making, poison."
Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm not coming home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney.
; "Sidney , you've been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I'm going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes."
"I can't do that, darling," Sidneysaid. "You're a size 16 and she's only a
10."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper
